My Godsend
by ledisko21
Summary: "In life we're promised sufferings. It's choosing whether or not to stay bound by them that defines us." Oneshot about Soseki's mysterious reasons for moving to the quiet Echo Village.


**When I realized there was no Soseki fan fictions up yet (or at least none that I could find) I knew I had to write about him! I think in "A New Beginning", he definitely has the most potential to work with as a character. There's that whole shroud of mystery that surrounds why he "retired" in the first place. Anyhow, this is my interpretation of why Soseki came to Echo Village. I hope you all enjoy it!**

**I do not own Harvest Moon or any of its characters! (Though I wish I did!)**

It had been nearly three years to the day when it was announced that I was to move to Echo Village.

"This will be good for you." My mother had assured me as she drove us back into the city. The rehabilitation center was only about ten miles out of the city, but it had felt worlds away from where I had grown up. "Old Dunhill told me all about the village. A quaint little place, from what the letter says anyways. When I told your doctor, he thought it would be a great location for you."

She of course was referring to my sober, or halfway house. This was supposed to help me "reintegrate back into society," as the doctors said. Whatever the hell that meant. I only wanted desperately to move back into the apartment. Our apartment. They would have none of that. Everyone thought I would only relapse if I did.

"I don't see why you call him old. He's nearly your age." I point out. My mother turned to me and frowned, but was quiet for the rest of the ride home. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes, thinking about how blindingly bright it was out today. When we pulled into her driveway, she turned and gave me a timid look.

"Soseki, please try to realize that we just want what's best for you." I had heard this one too many times. What's best for me? What's best for me was gone now, but everyone kept throwing this insult back in my face. Part of my cognitive-behavior therapy had been learning to control my anger. I pictured my breath coming up from my gut and repeated my "calm phrase" in my head. "Her name is Stella Rose….Her name is Stella Rose." My mother patiently watched me in the quiet that followed. She looked as if she wanted to cry, but I knew she had run dry months after I had checked into rehab. When I finally felt calm again, I gave her a smile.

"I know." Two words couldn't have made an elderly woman happier. She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"I'm happy you're home." She whispered before pulling away. I nodded before opening the car door to help her out. She was a robust woman, my mother, but they years had made her fragile. "Tomorrow we can start packing your things." She said as we walked up to the door, a weak smile on her face. I only nodded once more.

"It's cozy."

The furniture had all been moved in and the boxes with my possession were scattered about the house. It was truly a very nice home. A small abode with an eastern appearance and enough room for a journalist with no organizational skills. It was almost as if the place had been made for me.

The old man next to me gave a short chuckle. An old friend of my mother's, he was introduced to me as Dunhill. He called himself the unofficial mayor of Echo Village, which peaked my interest because I didn't know such a title existed. He was a lean elderly man that sported a crooked cowboy hat to match his crooked nose. Though he seemed about my mother's age, he had an excitement in his eyes she had lost years ago. "So you like it eh? Rio just put the final touches on it about a week ago. I think she did a swell job with the place!" I nodded, trying to match Dunhill's enthusiasm.

"Who's Rio?" I enquired, curious about the villager who built a house specifically for my arrival.

"Well, I'd say she's our official farmer and unofficial carpenter! Quite a nice girl. She's really brought some spirit back into this old town of ours." The smile on his face radiated with pride. By the way he bragged, I would've thought she was his daughter or grandchild.

"There's quite a few unofficial titles in this town, isn't there?" I tried my best at a joke. They came far and few these days, so Dunhill's hearty laugh was a relief to hear.

"Well I guess you could say that! Say, why don't I take you over to meet her? She's excited to meet our newest villager. You can finish unpacking when we get back." Considering that I only had a few boxes composed mostly of old papers and dishes, I agreed to meet the mysterious Rio. It couldn't hurt to try and be friendly with the new neighbors. I had already scared off many of my old acquaintances, and as much as I had opposed moving here, it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't trying to analyze my psychological state.

Though Rio's farm was on the other side of town, it was still a considerably short walk. Dunhill rambled on about the town's history while I took in what little scenery the town had to give. There seemed to be quite a few residential houses, a general store, and a small diner that I noted. Dunhill mentioned some of the other shops that were located on the other side of town near my new abode. Overall, the town was quiet. Almost too quiet. I immediately began to miss the loud noises the city had to offer. When I had worked as a journalist, those noises kept me distracted and left my thoughts scrambled. As much as I hated them then, I craved those scrambled thoughts now.

"Here we are. Olympus Farm! It's nearly doubled in size since Rio moved in." Dunhill continued down a small dirt path that followed the wooden fence that surrounded the barn. The animals and chickens roamed freely about within, lazily chewing on fodder or resting in the cool shade the trees offered. "She must be inside…" Dunhill thought aloud, leading me up to a quaintly sized yellow farm-house with a wide porch. The front door was swung open widely as if to invite in anyone that stopped in. "Rio!" Dunhill called, wrapping on the screen door. "It's me Dunhill. I've got Soseki here with me!"

A petite, young farmer approached the door. She only looked half of my age with that gentle face of hers, and long blonde hair that draped down her back. Her simple farm apparel of overalls, leather boots, and a white blouse made me feel outlandish in my purple kimono. She was attractive, and admitting so made me flush with anger and embarrassment at my behavior.

"I've been so excited to meet you!" Rio pushed open the screen door to welcome us in. "Don't mind the mess, I've barely had time to keep up with the place. My name's Rio." She extended out her hand to shake, flashing a smile almost as beautiful as hers…

I grabbed her hand and shook. "I'm Soseki. I heard you built my new house. I couldn't ask for a better place."

"Oh really it was nothing." Rio laughed. "I was just so happy when Dunhill told me we'd be welcoming a new villager to town. Plus I can't take all the credit. Rebecca drew up all of the blueprints, and Hana sold me most of the supplies…"

"And you built the home! Don't be so modest my girl!" Dunhill patted the farmer on the back, his pride glowing once more.

Rio blushed and was quick to change the subject. "Why don't you two stay for some breakfast? I just finished up with the milking and I've got eggs on the pan. Oh, I have eggs on the pan!" Panic swept across her face as she dashed towards the kitchen. Dunhill flashed me a smile that told me we would be accepting the invitation.

Moments later I found myself crowded around Rio's small dining table, helping myself to scrambled eggs and fresh fruit. Rio quickly poured us each a glass of fresh milk before taking a seat herself and helping herself to some strawberries. "'Soseki, I'm interested. What made you want to move to this town?" She didn't realize she was hitting a sore spot. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face, but Dunhill must have sensed my sensitivity on the topic. Knowing my true situation, he quickly covered for me.

"Soseki's a retired journalist. Used to work at a big newspaper in the city, isn't that right?" I nodded dumbly while Dunhill continued. "He moved out here to uh, get away from it all. Maybe he'll give Tina's small paper a chance eh?"

Rio chuckled to herself while she spread butter across some toast. "Maybe I'll actually start reading the paper." She joked as she crunched on the bread. Not knowing who Tina was and eager to change the subject, I intervened.

"What about you? Dunhill's told me you wear quite a few hats around here."

"You could say that." Rio replied, scooping eggs into her mouth in between sentences. "This used to be my parents farm and I inherited the place when I turned 18 three years ago. When I came here the place was a ghost town." Once again she paused to pick at her breakfast. I admired her ability to multi-task even with small chores. "Well, Dunhill got to talking with me after my first spring here. Said he liked my determination. We came up with the idea to bring some life back into the town. He drew up some restoration plans and here we are today. Are you guys finished?" She pushed herself back to clear the dining room table, and I stood up to help.

"Yep, turns out Rafi here is a born carpenter at heart. Don't get me wrong, her farming has attracted a lot of attention to our small village. But the girl was made to build!" Dunhill added, leaning back in his chair and pulling on his suspenders. He looked satisfied, with a full belly to boast. Rio chuckled and blushed once more. It was clear she wasn't used to such praise.

"Well, I hate to kick you all out after I just invited you in. But I've got quite a lot of fertilizing to do if I want my summer crops to bring in any money this year." Dunhill and I nodded and followed her to the door. Everything she did seemed to be in a hurry. "Soseki, it was a pleasure to meet you." She held out her hand warmly for me to shake. "Perhaps when I have some free time I could take you fishing? I know a great spot."

I grabbed her hand and shook firmly. "Perhaps."

"How have you been adjusting?" Dr. Klaus was a crude man who always got straight to the point. I had learned that after I had first been introduced to him. Though he was technically Echo Village's doctor, he also served as my psychiatrist. He always acted as if he had no time to sympathize for his patients, only time to point out the faults that had led to their problems. Bitterly he would heal them back to health and warn them to not come back. Unfortunately he had to put up with my babbling once a week every Wednesday afternoon. Although he came across as unpleasant, I took a liking to him. I had grown tired of people babying me at the rehabilitation center, always trying to tip-toe around my instability. Dr. Klaus confronted it head on with his blunt approach before prescribing me the anxiety pills I had grown dependent on.

"Nicely. I like the town." I replied from the plush chair across his desk. "But sometimes it's…too quiet."

"What do you mean "too quiet"?" Klaus leaned forward, adjusting his glasses with a frown on his face.

"Well, what I mean is there's nothing to distract you from yourself. There's not enough noise to block out thoughts of her. Especially at night. It's worst at night. I barely sleep because I just keep seeing her. "I continued. I knew Klaus would be thrilled to hear this.

He continued to stare at me for what felt like hours after. I started to sweat a bit through my kimono. At last he pulled back into his seat and pushed his glasses up. "I'm going to prescribe you a slightly higher dose of the benzodiazepines we've had you on. I want you to take note of how you feel over the next week while you're on them. I want you to report to me immediately if you feel nausea or are seeing in double vision. I'll get them for you and then we're done here today."

I sighed a breath of relief. Short sessions were the best sessions. Talking about my feelings had grown tiring over the years. Slowly I let myself slide back in the chair while Klaus pulled out the drugs from one of his cabinets. He handed them over to me and I eagerly got up to leave.

"Oh, and Soseki? Might I suggest interacting with some of the villagers? Or taking up a hobby? Maybe these will, how did you say it…."distract you from yourself"?" Taken aback at his somewhat caring advice, I nodded in a stupor before running for the exit.

I guess he had a point. If I was going to spend the next couple of months here, the least I could do was get to know the community. I thought about finding Dunhill, but changed my mind realizing he probably had "unofficial mayor" business to attend to and didn't want to spend much time with the recovering alcoholic. My neighbor was a chipper young kid named Rod who ran a pet shop in town. He seemed like a nice second choice, but his eagerness put me off a bit. That's when I remembered Rio's offer to go fishing. It was a little after 1:00, so maybe I'd catch her in her down time. Before I could second guess myself again, I followed the same pathway Dunhill had taken me when I was first introduced to the young farmer.

Olympus Farm looked just as cheerful as it had when I first saw it. I scanned the field in front of the barn, keeping an eye out for the blonde farmer. After not spotting her, I figured it would just be best to knock at the little farmhouse's door. Rio answered almost immediately, a broom in hand.

"Oh, Soseki! How're you?" I hated that Rio's sincere smile was almost identical to hers.

"I was wondering if I could take you up on that fishing trip?"

The two of us ended up sitting on the edge of a small dock on the river that enwrapped the town, fishing poles in hand. It had barely occurred to me to leave my house, let alone explore some of the wilderness that surrounded the town. Rio and I had made small talk on the way out here, but everything was quiet now. She had rolled up her overalls and thrown off her boots, letting her feet soak in the river while she waited for a bite. It made me uneasy.

"Why are you so invested in this town?" I asked abruptly. I felt bad when she snapped up, as if she had been pulled out of a dream. But Dr. Klaus was right, I needed distractions.

"You know curiosity killed the cat." Rio smirked as she turned towards me to answer. I sensed a playfulness in her voice as if she were teasing me.

"Curiosity is my trade, you know." I fiddled with the fishing pole a bit, smirking back at Rio. "Having been a journalist. I've made it this far so give it a shot."

Rio laughed, her fishing pole jauntily shaking with her. "Well Soseki, I like your answer." She looked down at the water and was silent for a moment. "I guess…" She started thoughtfully. "Well, I guess I just want to see the villagers happy again. Dunhill cares about Echo Village more than anybody I know. When I first moved here, he was always so upset that the town didn't have more to offer for a young person like me." She let her feet draw figure-eights in the river's water as she continued. "When Dunhill approached me about the restoration plans, it was a bit overwhelming at first. But seeing him happy, and seeing all of the other villagers happy kept me going. I've watched this town blossom from a ghost town into a community of family." Rio looked up at me, her blue eyes sparkling with determination. "And that's why every minute I invest in this town is one well spent." She turned back towards her rod and I couldn't help but be impressed.

"You're an admirable girl Rio. When I was your age I was nowhere near as ambitious." I replied softly, happy to enjoy someone's company. Especially someone who was so thoughtful.

"You can't be that much older than me." Rio declared, still focusing on her fishing rod.  
"Ah, well there you would be wrong my friend. I'm nearly an old man compared to you."

"Still, I don't see why someone your age had to retire from his big job at the newspaper." Rio retorted quickly. I wasn't the only one with curiosity.

"I thought curiosity killed the cat?" I couldn't help jab back at her.

"I've made it this far so give it a shot." Touché, Rio. I was quiet for a moment. It was a grim subject, one that she was too young and delicate to understand.

"Humans are hard to understand. And sometimes, we like to create our own suffering." It was the best answer I could give to the innocent farmer. I thought she would merely frown and drop the subject. What she said next instead nearly threw me into a brick wall.

"In life we're promised sufferings. It's choosing whether or not to stay bound by them that defines us." We were both silent after that for several minutes, the current of the river beneath us making the only sound. We would've stayed for that even longer if something hadn't pulled at Rio's line.

"Oh, I think I got something!" She stood up on the dock and planted herself in a firm position to reel in the line. It took a bit of muscle, but Rio managed to pull in a tench that was nearly a foot long. Without hesitation she put her thumb in its mouth and bent the head backwards, breaking its neck. The poor fish never stood a chance. She threw it into the cooler before rejoining my side.

"You can have him. I still have some fish in my freezer from a couple of days ago."

When I got home that night, I gutted the fish and grilled it for dinner. It tasted perfect.

Over the next couple of weeks Rio grew to be my daily companion. She spent her time introducing me one by one to each of the villagers. My favorite was meeting Tina, who begged me to write a few pieces for her newspaper once she learned I was a retired journalist. I hadn't focused on my writing for ages and it felt good to have a reason to return. After Rio was sure that I had met every face in town, she began spending her time showing me around the farm. I helped her with the animals as much as I could and became even more useful at the end of summer with the harvest. We celebrated the success of the season with a personal feast of fresh fruits and vegetables. However, my favorite time we spent together was the small fishing trips we would take. At least once a week Rio would show me a new fishing spot and we would lazily spend the rest of the day there. We always started off talkative but eventually grew quiet as we concentrated on our poles. I didn't mind anymore. Even in silence Rio still kept me distracted.

"So you've been spending quite some time with Rio it sounds." Dr Klaus scribbled away in his notebook at our most recent session. I had grown quite accustom to our weekly meetings now and didn't mind the length of the sessions anymore.

"Yeah. She's really showed me the ropes of this town." I leaned back in the puffy chair and clasped my hands together. The puffy chair always made me just want to take a nap.

He nodded at my answer, continuing to write. "How have your flashbacks been?"

I was taken aback at his question because I realized then…I hadn't been having them. They usually came in the middle of the day or haunted me at night, but over the course of summer and fall they had slowly faded away. When I told this to Dr. Klaus I swore I saw him smile for a moment. But as soon as it happened it was gone.

"And have you had any desires to return to your old habits?" He was referring to my drinking problem. I told him the thought had barely crossed my mind. There were days of course, when all I wanted to do was start the day off with a scotch. But my new companions and hobbies helped suppress these feelings.

"We're going to put you back on your regular dosage of benzodiazepines. I want to try and slowly wean you off of them and have you completely independent from them by the end of the year. I highly suggest you continue your friendship with Rio. She sounds good for you." Klaus paused for a moment to finish his scribbling. Once he had finished his notes he withdrew to the cabinet to give me this week's pill diet. That's when the bell attached to the front door rang.

"Hello? Dr. Klaus?" It was Rio. I panicked.

"She can't know a thing!" I hissed to the doctor, whom rolled his eyes.

"Have you completely forgotten the physician-patient privilege? Don't talk to me like a child, boy." He tossed me the pills just as Rio entered the office and I slipped them up my wide sleeve.

"Oh…Soseki! Are you sick? You looked fine yesterday…" Rio pondered.

"He's fine, nothing but a stomach ache and bad digestion. He claims to be a man, yet I've seen five year olds take better care of themselves." Dr. Klaus snorted. "In my opinion it'd do him good to stay here for the night and just rest."

"The beds are hooooorrible here." I moaned, following Klaus's lead. "Rio, won't you take me home instead?" I gave the best puppy dog face I could muster.

Apparently it worked, because Rio laughed before agreeing. "Just give me a moment to pick up some of Dr. Klaus's vitamins and I'll walk you home if you think you can make it."

"You're very kind Rio." Klaus searched his shelves for the vitamins Rio asked for. She purchased them and thanked the doctor before turning towards me.

"Ready sicky?" Rio helped me up and escorted me out of the clinic as she waved goodbye to the Doctor. I turned around to catch a glance of him and he winked at me. I couldn't be more thankful for the man then at that moment.

Rio poked fun at me a bit for eating myself into a stomach ate. "What were you thinking anyways?" She chuckled as I pretended to clench at my stomach.

"Ah, well sometimes when you're old like me you run into things you can't put up with. So you avoid them by running to something else." I didn't realize how morbid my answer sounded until I saw the sudden frown on her face. I quickly tried to turn it into a joke. "For me it was that giant trout we caught yesterday. I thought it didn't stand a chance against my stomach, but turns out it was my stomach that lost." Rio's frown turned into giggles and I sighed with relief. However, she wasn't ready to let it go.

"I feel as if you're hiding something Soseki. You've got a dark past." She accused. I tried to ignore her but she continued. "I don't expect you to open up to me. I know we've only just met. But I just want you to know…well, I'm here if you need me."

By that time we had reached my house. Silence was the only sound I could manage for a moment. Finally I gathered my thoughts and turned towards her. "Rio, just promise me you'll always be my friend. You've done more for me than anyone else I know." I didn't want to open up to her. I wanted to keep the past where it belonged and keep progressing forward. She had no need to lament on an old man's past. Curiosity killed the cat.

Rio held out a pinky and looked up at me. Her blue eyes looked sad even though she smiled, and I hated to think I was the one who made them that way. "I pinky promise." We wrapped our pinkies and shook on it. After that she was hesitant to leave, but I insisted that I needed my rest.

"Don't let this old man worry you!" I called as she left to return to the farm. But as soon as she was out of sight I slipped inside. The anxiety pills were still stuffed up my sleeves. With shaking fingers I popped one in my mouth before collapsing on my bed. "His name was Benjamin Michael….His name was Benjamin Michael…"

It turns out that trying to wean yourself off of anxiety pills is absolutely miserable. I felt like I had shifted my dependence on alcohol to a dependence on anxiety medication and going through the withdrawal symptoms again was a living hell. Dr. Klaus had said I was doing incredibly well but I found it hard to like the man that was essentially causing my insomnia. Often I found myself wandering around the outskirts of Echo Village until three or four in the morning, my sour thoughts trailing behind me.

Rio had noticed my increased edginess, but she took it without batting an eye. She taught me how to calm my pounding heart through meditation and breathing exercises. Our fishing trips had increased to twice a week because she was eager to find a way to calm me. If she noticed that my fishing pole was shaking she would hold one of my hands. If I looked panicked, she'd quickly start talking about anything and everything to distract my thoughts. Her favorite topic was any form of mythology but especially Nordic tales. By the end of fall I could repeat the stories with her by heart.

As the snow began to fall and cover the valley, it became increasingly cold and harder to fish. Some days were so cold the river would freeze up. This didn't discourage Rio. She found new ways for us to enjoy ourselves throughout the village. Some nights we would bundle up and take long walks throughout the forest by ourselves. Other nights we would join some of the villagers at Clement's restaurant for a hearty dinner. Either way, I couldn't help but sometimes think of Rio as a godsend. I couldn't help but feel like I was the tiring, cold winter and she the youthful and refreshing spring. Rio was so full of life and without even trying she managed to breathe it into me.

But still, my past lingered behind me. During the day and around Rio I was distracted. But at night the flashbacks were worse than ever. If I could ever catch any sleep they prowled in my dreams. Even when I walked the forest at night they suddenly and unexpectedly visited me. The worst was an involuntary memory I had one night while circling the Goddess Pond. The phone was suddenly ringing, the frantic voices were in my ears. I woke up in a patch of snow near dawn, sobbing hysterically. I never once told Dr. Klaus these things. I couldn't let him know all his work over the year had been for nothing.

December 24th was a slow day. The town's young people were in a flurry to find a date for the Starry Night Festival except for Rio. She had invited me to help with the winter crop harvest, promising an excellent dinner to follow. Excitedly she chattered about how she thought she had a real chance in the advanced class winter crop festival with her bock choy. It had grown far past her expectations considering all the snow we had. I tried my hardest to listen with enthusiasm but my hands wouldn't stop shaking.

"Soseki?" She trotted over towards me when she realized I had stopped answering. My shaking hands weren't hard to miss. Rio frowned. She entwined her fingers with mine and squeezed my hands tightly. After a few moments, my blood started pumping again and the shaking stopped. "Better?" she whispered, her sad blue eyes gazing up at mine. I nodded slowly. "Why don't we go inside for a bit? I can make us some hot chocolate." Again I nodded dumbly and followed Rio as she pulled me back to the farmhouse.

When we went inside Rio quickly built a fire in her tiny living room before withdrawing to the kitchen. I pulled myself close to the warmth even though I wasn't necessarily cold. In the moments of loneliness given to me I tried to pull myself together, if only for Rio. She didn't deserve this pain. She didn't deserve this self-inflicted suffering. As Rio returned with the hot chocolate I plastered a smile on my face. She was happy to see it, the sadness in her eyes turning into a happy sparkle. The warm drink along with Rio's happy eyes made me feel a bit better for a moment.

"Soseki…There's something I um, wanted to ask you." Rio stuttered as she joined my side on the couch.

"Shoot." I replied softly.

"Well I uh. I um….I was wondering if you wanted to go the Starry Night Festival with me." Realization hit me faster than the cold winds that blew through Echo Village. Rio hadn't just thought of me as a friend. Suddenly I was angry, not just with her but with myself. It felt as if I had led her on and I despised myself horribly for it. I had wanted nothing more than to push her away from my past, yet here she was trying to push back in the other direction. Repeatedly my calm phrase ran through my head. "Her name was Stella Rose…His name was Benjamin Michael…"

"Why would you want to go with me? I'm much too old for you. Are you sure you wouldn't want to go with Rod or Neil?"

"Rod's going with Tina and Neil is going with Michelle. But that's beside the point Soseki. I want to go with you." She softly entwined her hand in mine. It was that small little action that made me snap.

Calm phrases and breathing techniques flew out the window. My voice began to raise. "Why are you so damn determined to fix me Rio? I don't need your sympathy and I don't need your pity. Just stop trying to invest your time into me!"

She looked taken aback, on the brink of tears. "I don't think you need fixing Soseki…"

"Really? Because you sure as hell act like it. My past is my own damn past. It's not your business. Did Dunhill even tell you why I'm living here in the first place? I'm sure he didn't or you'd have nothing to do with me." The anger was surging through every muscle in my body. I had to leave. I pulled up my coat and stormed for the door.

"Wait, Soseki!" Rio was in tears.

"Start acting your own damn age Rio!" I roared, slamming the front door behind me. My feet were heavy as the beat down the path exiting the farm. The bad thoughts all rushed in at once. The flashbacks, the sorrow, the newfound guilt. But mostly anger consumed me. I kicked in one of the wooden fence posts that surrounded Rio's barn as if it had been taunting me. The only thought in my head was the liquor that lined behind the register at Hana's small country store. It wasn't a far walk from Rio's farm and in my fury I made it there in no time.

"Three bottles of whiskey and a bottle of wine." I demanded at the counter, throwing down the money. The elderly Hana looked frightened behind the counter and obliged to my wishes. In silence she rung them up and collected the money. I hastily collected the change before grabbing my brown paper bag and storming out the door.

Before I had even made it home I had cracked open a bottle of whiskey. I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care what they said about old Soseki. All I cared about was that my body was trembling now. Taking the cap off of the bottle had become a task in itself. Finally it slipped off and I poured a shot into my mouth. The trembling calmed.

"Soseki…stop this." As quickly as the shaking left, it returned at the sound of her voice.

"What…what are you doing here?" I hissed, snapping around. No one was there. I took another swig from the bottle.

"You're killing yourself. This isn't what I wanted for you."

"Where are you!" I howled, clenching at my head. She had to be here. I could hear her tranquil voice. Just a glimpse of her face was all I needed…

"Soseki. Put down the liquor."

"If you won't show yourself, then leave me alone!" I started to run as fast as I could. This was enough. I had enough. Upon reaching my house I grabbed at the handle and hurled the door open and shut . The lock clicked tightly. The whiskey was still cradled in my hand. Not even bothering for a glass I continued to gulp it from the bottle. The voice was gone…the voice was gone…

Soon enough so was the first and second bottle of whiskey. How much time had passed? What day was it? Where was Rio? Rio…I had hurt Rio, but she had hurt me first. She wanted to know. She knew I couldn't tell.

_The phone was ringing at my desk. I was twenty six years old. I was busy, but I still answered. "Is this Mr. Yamamoto? Is this Mr. Yamamoto?" The voice was frantic and put me on edge._

I cracked open the wine bottle.

"_Yes, this is him." I answer wearily. "What can I help you with?"_  
I could see out my window that the sun was setting. Two more swigs of wine.

"_Mr. Yamamoto it's your wife. Mrs. Yamamoto, we don't know if she'll make it. She's been in a terrible car accident…She's being taken to St. Michael's hospital…."_

I could taste the saline on my face. It was almost as bitter as the wine.

"_Wait, how did this happen? Answer me! Answer me!"_

The floor was cold.

There was darkness for quite some time. I felt as if I were tied down. Continually I pulled away but the binding pulled me back.

"Stay here Soseki…" It whispered. "Stay here with me."

"I can't…" I croaked, pulling as hard as I could. "You're killing me, I can't…"

"But I love you Soseki, stay here with me…"

"I CAN'T!"

Suddenly I was awake. The light above me was blinding and I was drenched in sweat. My head felt hazy and my throat was soar. Something pricked at my arms, but there was warmth in one of my hands. "R-Rio?"

"Soseki…" Her voice was hoarse as if she had been crying. "Thank goddess…" She kissed my hand and I felt how wet her cheeks were. "Dr. Klaus, he's awake!" There was a scuttling from the other room.

"Where am I?" I tried blinking multiple times to adjust my eyes to the bright lights.

"We're at the clinic." Rio whispered, pushing my hair off of my sweaty brow. She ran a damp wash cloth across my forehead and I felt instantly cooler. "Dunhill and I found you in your house passed out."

"We can tell stories later, move aside Rio." Dr. Klaus had stormed into the room to check up on my status. As she tried to move back I only clasped her hand tighter and shook my head. Dr. Klaus sighed.

"Fine, she can stay if you want while I check your vitals." As he pulled back my hospital gown to listen to my breathing he continued bluntly. "You relapsed Soseki. But it's not the end of the world. Nearly 90 percent of recovering alcoholics will relapse once. We'll just have to work on preventing it from happening again. Breathe in and breathe out heavily." I obeyed Klaus, all the while holding Rio's hand. "Your breathing sounds much better. When you first came in last night you were barely giving us eight breaths a minute. We had you hooked up to a respiratory oxygen tank. "

"I'm sorry…" was all I could mumble. Not to Klaus, but to Rio. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok Soseki. It's ok. You're ok." We were both crying now, making Klaus uncomfortable. He hurried with the rest of my vitals before concluding that I would stay at the clinic another night. He changed out my IV and promised to return within an hour to check up on me again. Finally, Rio and I were alone.

"I'm sorry." I sputtered again, choking on my sobs now. She was so selfless, she really was. Even after everything hurtful I had spewed at her she sat her now, drying my tears with a tissue.

"You're alive Soseki. You're alive, and you're breathing. I couldn't be more relieved." Careful to avoid the IV's that dug into my skin, she embraced me and let her own tears fall. "I was so afraid you'd leave me forever…"

After that we were silent. Rio crawled into the hospital bed and lay next to me. I wouldn't let her go. We watched the sun set from the clinic window and the stars rise up above. While the other couples of Echo Village celebrated the Starry Night Festival from the mountain, Rio and I were spending it in a hospital bed. Dr. Klaus came back again to check up on me and left dinner for the two of us. We barely touched the plates. Instead, Rio eventually fell asleep in my arms exhausted from the day. I let her rest, unable to fall asleep myself. Instead I watched her as her breath rose and fell. Her words kept ringing in my head. "I was so afraid you'd leave me forever…" Just like my wife had left me.

Around midnight she woke with a start, breathing heavily. She turned quickly towards me and smiled when she saw I was still awake. We didn't say anything for a while, reluctant to talk. Rio was the one to start.

"I had to beg Dunhill to tell me why you had truly moved here. He only agreed to answer when I told him it was an emergency. I saw how you had kicked in my fence. I was afraid you were going to hurt yourself." I looked away from her, ashamed of my behavior. "He said he didn't know the details, only that you were a recovering alcoholic. That Echo Village was supposed to help you heal. We were both afraid, so we visited Hana. She confirmed our suspicions that you were going to relapse."

Rio stopped for a moment. I could feel her gaze on me so I turned back to face her. She began once more. "When we found you, you were passed out on your floor. There was broken glass everywhere and you were barely breathing. We both rushed you here. You only spoke once. You said, "Her name was Stella Rose. His name was Benjamin Michael." I was so afraid, Soseki."

I knew now that there was no way I could hide my wounds from her any longer. She had saved me from myself. The least I could do was tell her how I'd fallen so far. I started from the beginning.

"Her name was Kana. We met when I was twenty-three years old, and she was twenty-one. I had been at the newspaper for a couple of months and she had just started. I was smitten with her. She was witty, and always full of surprisingly fresh ideas. I didn't think I had a chance with her. I guess that's why I was shocked when a coworker let me know she felt the same way about me. Even with the evidence I had to back me up, I was still a nervous wreck the first time I asked her out. When she said yes, I was the happiest man alive. I proposed the year after we had started dating and was thrilled when she said yes. We had a winter wedding. She was more beautiful than the snow in that dress.

We had wanted to have children immediately but had a lot of trouble the first two years. It broke my heart, watching her slowly lose faith in our ability to have children. Some nights when she thought I was asleep I could hear her crying by the bedroom window. Kana wanted nothing more than to be a mother.

She finally got her wish when she found out she was pregnant a little after I had turned twenty-seven. I had never seen a woman so happy. We were finally going to have a baby. I was going to be a dad." I had to stop for a moment to choke back the tears. I hadn't talked about Kana with anybody since I first entered the rehabilitation center. All of a sudden she was everywhere around me. Rio patiently waited for me to continue. After I took a long breathe I moved on.

"It was a Tuesday the day we were going to figure out the sex. Kana was able to get off work for her appointment but I was swamped with work. We agreed to meet for lunch so she could tell me the sex and start brainstorming names. I hated myself for not being able to be at her side when she found out. But she told me she understood. I kissed her goodbye that morning wishing more than anything that I could go to the appointment with her.

It was 11:18 am when I got the phone call. It was a sheriff that had…" I trailed off. This was the hard part. "That had been called to the scene of Kana's accident. She had been on her way to her appointment. Her light had been green and just as she started to cross the intersection she was directly hit by someone trying to rush the light. They were rushing her to the hospital. I hung up immediately after I found out her location and left without notice.

She didn't die on impact, but she barely made it to the hospital. Kana died fourteen minutes before I arrived at the ER at exactly 11:43 am…" The tears were rushing down my face again. Talking about it only broke my heart again and again. "I never found out the sex of our baby."

Rio once again wiped the tears from my eyes one by one. We were quiet once again except for the sniffling. She looked up at me and said, "I can understand if you want to stop."

"No. I have to say it all. I have to free myself." I stammered, trying to pull myself together. After what felt like ages my tears stopped falling. I took it as a sign to continue on.

"I was a mess at her funeral. Nobody knew what to say to me. I cried the entire service for my young bride and my unborn child. It all seemed so unreal. But when I woke up the next day alone in our big bed I knew it was reality.

That's when I started drinking heavily. I started spending more days drunk than I did sober. One day I showed up to work completely plastered and started a scene. I don't remember any of it, but from what I heard I was fairly destructive. I flipped desks and broke chairs. A security guard had to constrain me before escorting me out. My boss reached out to me later. We had been fairly close before Kana passed and he knew I was an emotional disaster. He agreed to "retire me" instead of firing me. This way I would be able to seek help without being thrown into financial ruin.

I checked into the rehabilitation center a year before I moved here. It was my mother who had intervened with me and forced me to go. Everyone else I had pushed out of my life. There I only talked about Kana once until now. I think because when I do I always feel like it's my fault. If I had just gotten that day off maybe she would've lived. Maybe I would've taken a different route and she never would've been hit. Or maybe I would've been the one killed instead of her.

What stung the most was not knowing the sex of my child. One of my therapists at the rehabilitation center suggested I came up with a name for a baby boy and girl, to help me find closure. I decided on Stella Rose for a girl and Benjamin Michael for a boy. I know Kana would've loved them. Whenever I grew angry at the center I reminded myself of these names and I calmed down." This is where I stopped. These were the thoughts that had haunted me for years. They were the reason for my constant anxiety and my trembling hands; my constant insomnia and persistent flashbacks. And now Rio knew why.

It was her turn to talk. "Soseki. No matter how much you cry, no matter how deep of a pit of sorrow you dig, the dead won't come back to life. You've been killing yourself slowly all this time, I've never known how deep your sorrow runs. I've just known that you were hurting. And you were right Soseki. I wanted to save you. I still do."

"Just promise me you'll always be my friend." I replied softly, my arms still around her.

She extended her pinky and swore, "I pinky promise."

Later that night I had a dream that I was tied up to a pole, struggling to escape. Kana approached me with her enchanting smile and a baby cradled in her arms. It was a beautiful baby girl with eyes as bright as Kana's and hair as dark as mine. Neither said a word, but instead released me from the ropes that bound me before disappearing.

After my release from the clinic I grew increasingly attached to Rio. We spent nearly every moment we could together. I helped her with the farm work, and she made me warm milk as I wrote my articles for Tina's newspaper. I had essentially moved into the farmhouse, spending my nights there as well. We began sleeping next to each other at night and I slowly watched my insomnia disappear. Most mornings I would wake up with her cradled in my arms and we would stay like that until she couldn't put off the farm work any longer.

I had my bad days, but Rio always knew. She would stroke my long hair and repeat the Nordic myths to me or sing an old folk lullaby. Anything to calm me down. She always succeeded. Rio healed me in ways that Dr. Klaus and the rehabilitation center could not. Her love for me had no boundaries, only the desire to help me out of my pit. And even though the thought at first felt traitorous, I grew to accept the fact that I loved her too.

It was late summer when I finally worked up the nerve to confront her about these feelings. We sat on the river near the outskirts of town, fishing poles in hand. I pulled out the blue feather from underneath my kimono sleeve and slowly placed it in Rio's lap. She didn't say a word, and neither did I. But I already knew the answer.

"How long have you known?" She whispered, stroking the blue feather like a child.

"I've always known. It just took me until now to realize it." We had our first kiss then. She tasted perfect.

Rio was indeed the joyful spring to what felt like my endless winter. She healed my heart the way no anxiety medication could. Our wedding day in fall was the beginning of the rest of my life. I'll never forget how my heart stopped momentarily when the congregation turned to face the bride. I already knew she was a godsend, but there in that dress she couldn't look any more heavenly.

Rio just recently gave birth to the most beautiful child I have ever seen. I didn't think it was possible to fall in love at first sight, but cradling my daughter in my arms I knew I could never love someone more. Her name?

Stella Rose Yamamoto.


End file.
